Clues gained from a satellite let Capac and Steve boost the sensors and Splitsie plots a course to a new mysterious target.
Episode IV: Return of the Hope Strikes Back - Synopsis[]
Prolog[]
A ZEBRA MONKEYS PRODUCTION Two or three hundred years in the future, in a galaxy so close that it's invading your personal space.... LIGHT ECHOES It is a period of great confusion. A lonely spaceship, the RX-39487, has been struck by space debris, and its crew have found refuge on a mineral rich asteroid. Having repaired and restocked their ship, they now dive deeper into the solar system, searching for any clues as to who they are, what their mission might be, and where they might find snacks. With CAPAC at the helm, under SPLITSIE's careful instruction, the intrepid pair have traced a mysterious signal in orbit over a conveniently stereotypical desert planet...
Main Part[]
(Cinematic music) In space above a stormy Desert Planet, a red satellite orbits. RX-39487 approaches majestically.
Splitsie critisises Capac for watching Star Wars while piloting. Capac should rather focus on halting the ship's relative velocity. Capac thinks the manoeuvre is called burning old toast instead of retrograde burn, but performs it well. Splitsie is confused with talk about "toast" and "Piece of cake!"
After matching the satellite's speed, they approach it within 20 metres. It doesn't have a docking port, so "one of them" needs to do a space walk to investigate. Capac speculates it's an alien probe, Splitsie disgrees. It dawns on Capac that, since Splitsie's arm is broken, it's Capac's turn to do the spacewalk.
Outside, Capac can prove by the satellite's different nanomarkers that they aren't the only people to visit this system. The satellite is being used as a data drop for traffic through the system. Due to its security system, they can't access any files, all they can do is piggyback its signal. They plan to reverse-engineer the satellite's shielding against the radiation in the system to boost their own sensors and communications.
While Capac splices in the signal relay, the computer babbles about non-existent reactor leaks. After the signal has been intercepted, the computer confirms "The Force is strong with this one." Capac admits he's changed the computer's language protocol to "Star Wars quotes".
On the way back to the cockpit, Capac greets his good friend Steve in passing.
Splitsie asks the computer for data processing, but cannot understand the Star Wars quotes. Capac helpfully explains that the word parsec is a meassure of distance and not time.
Capac admits he cannot change the language back as he did last time with the IKEA jargon. He closed the confirmation window to draw a picture of himself as a space knight. Now all menus are displaying in the new language and he can't figure out how to revert. Splitsie's verbal commands do not succeed, either.
Splitsie, still in pain from his recent accident, calls defeat over the Star Wars quotes. He takes pain killers and gets some sleep while the computer processes the data. Capac holds down the fort and ponders the Holy Grail.
After Splitsie has left, Capac sneaks to the staircase to fetch Steve.
Psst, Steve! Hey Steve! Where are you buddy? Oh, there you are! C'mon, Splitsie is taking a nap! That means you can hang out on the bridge with me! Pretty cool huh? What do you think?
You said it buddy! What a view! Just think about how many new friends you could make down there on the planet!
*Steve just sits there*
Yeah, it does get lonely out here. Thats why friends have to stick together!
*Steve looks contemplative*
Oh, he's not that bad once you get to know him. He just takes everything a bit too seriously.
*Steve looks doubtful*
I promise I'll introduce you when the time is right. He's a little delicate at the moment. He had some kind of accident. He's sleeping it off right now.
(A nightmare of being on an upper floor in a half-collapsed building during a thunderstorm. Spooky noises. Running down the crumbling stairs. Distant howling and barking. Outside, wild dogs attack! Everything goes black!)[1]
After a bit of sleep, Splitsie is feeling better. Capac helpfully offers barbecue sauce for Splitsie's ribs. Capac let Splitsie sleep even though his data was ready. The computer still speaks "Star Wars".
This time it's Capac who is exhausted. He reports that we have been running sensor sweeps: Dust storms are obscuring the terrestrial planet's surface and it looks barely habitable. Splitsie wonders who "we" is and Capac deflects with a quick "There's no 'I' in 'team' Splitsie!"
There is too much interference in this system for standard sensors to cut through. One of them will need to go up top the ship and physically modify the sensors with a band-pass filter. The computer can then cut down on unwanted harmonics, and that will improve signal reception. Capac appears too muddled for a spacewalk, so Splitsie tells him to get some sleep first.
(A dream of walking with shield and sword through a stone castle with cheerful medieval music, dropping chandeliers, breaking barrels, throwing flower pots, and finally finding the Holy Grail under a tree!)[2]
Capac wakes up so tired that he cannot even open a cargo container. With support from Steve, he finds his welder and goes to see Splitsie about that spacewalk. Splitsie doesn't simply want to land now without scanning the planet first. Splitsie's priority is to find out why they are out here. Capac thinks he is here to introduce green space babes to the Earth concept of lovvve. Splitsie insists Capac is here to make Splitsie's modifications to the sensors!
Splitsie succeeds in plotting the locations of the ship, the asteroid base, and the beacon.
Capac is outside the ship, working on the sensors, chatting with Steve:
You're lucky, you know that?
*Steve floats serenely*
You don't need a space suit or anything. You don't need oxygen. You can just lay back and relax.
*Steve enjoys the warmth of the sun upon his crystalline formations.*
If I took off my helmet, I'd instantly freeze, and my eyeballs would pop out, my innards would explode out of my mouth and my lunch would be atomized across half of this planet.
*Steve looks dubious*
It's true! Human life is so fragile. Any little thing could send us spiralling towards the cold skeletal grasp of death.
*Steve ponders mortality*
But you're probably billions of years old! The things you must have seen!
*Steve looks a little angry*
I know, I know, you were stuck in that asteroid. But still!
*Steve looks quizzical*
I don't know. We're a long way from Earth, but I'm not sure I've ever even been there.
*Steve performs the rock equivalent of arching an eyebrow*
We should probably head back in.
Back in the cockpit, Capac expects news about progress in replicating aerosol cheese. To his disappointment, Splitsie demonstrates how triangulation let him set up a sensor link to the asteroid base and the warning beacon. Capac realises that some of his favourite foods are triangles. Thanks to Capac's sensor modifications, Splitsie has detected a large artificial signal and can plot a course. Capac zones out, but Splitsie needs him to focus on flying. Splitsie's recent injury makes himself too light-headed to fly.
The RX-39487 leaves the planet and satellite behind and takes course towards the unidentified larger object. The satellite's blue light suddenly blinks red.
Epilog[]
Going down the staircase, Splitsie stumbles over Steve and mutters "Capac leaving crap all over the ship..."
Computer dialog[]
| Timestamp | Dialog | Translation |
|---|---|---|
| 4:31 | Uh, uh... negative, negative. We have a reactor leak here, uh, now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Uh, large leak, very dangerous. | Negative, no signal |
| 4:51 | The Force is strong with this one. | Yes, strong signal |
| 4:56 | That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world. | Splitsie is getting introduced to Star Wars quotes |
| 5:31 | It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. | Of course I can process all of this data quickly |
| 6:18 | Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you? | No, I won't switch off this language protocol. |
| 6:34 | I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can readily... | We can communicate just fine with this language protocol! |
| 9:16 | That's no moon, it's a space station. | The scan has revealed a large artificial object |
| 9:58 | An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has demonstrated a weakness in the battle station. | I propose to physically modify the sensors |
| 10:24 | In my experience, there is no such thing as luck. | ? |
| 12:36 | You know, I did feel something. I could almost see the remote. | We're making progress with the sensors |
| 12:50 | I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This had better work. | I have to calculate the locations |
| 13:00 | But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! | I'm procrastinating the calculations (?) |
| 14:12 | Tell Jabba that I've got his money. | Triangulation successful |
| 14:36 | She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. | I recognise that ship |
| 14:44 | Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy! | You ain't seen nothing yet (?) |